Audio Transcript

Today we field a question from a listener named Ben. “Pastor John, thank you for this podcast. Beginning as a 10-year-old, I became addicted to porn videos. It was my primary battle for the next seven years. There have been wonderful victories along the way. But I also know these videos are unrealistic and perverse. God’s design for sex must be a lot different than what I’ve seen. But what I have seen is the only model I know. As I look forward to marriage, I fear that what I watched has already patterned my expectations. What advice do you have for me? Is there any hope that I will experience loving, godly, healthy intimacy in marriage? And what can I do now to ensure it?”

The answer is that there is hope for a loving, godly, healthy intimacy in marriage — if, in God’s mercy, a cluster of miracles happens in you and in your future wife. I’m talking about Spirit-given, subconscious transformation of your instincts — what you unthinkingly do — and conscious steps you can take together with this woman that you might fall in love with, based on God’s word for guarding your relationship from sin and for deepening and purifying your experience of intimacy. So yes, there’s hope. This will not be automatic just because you’re a Christian. You must pursue these miracles.

Leave It All Behind

One of my concerns in even addressing Ben’s question or talking to him directly in this way is that I can’t tell from his question whether he has gotten victory over this or not, because he says, “There have been wonderful victories along the way.” That doesn’t sound like (and maybe he just didn’t choose his words carefully) the pornographic videos are behind him, but that he keeps returning to them, perhaps with less frequency. That’s not going to do. You can’t set your sights that low, Ben.

“Be holy, because you are bought to be holy and indwelt by the Holy One.”

And if there is any woman listening to this who is considering marriage, you should ask a man point-blank about the last time he looked at anything pornographic. And you should insist on victory, never to look at pornography — not simply infrequent exposure. Too many people today think that pornography is just inevitable; it’s a given, and marriages should just cope, just adapt to it. I think that’s like saying, “Poison is inevitable, and I’m just going to get used to taking poison.”

Bought with a Price

Here’s my suggested path toward hope, Ben. First, humble yourself by admitting that, for the rest of your life, those seven years of poisoning your mind are going to have consequences that you are responsible for and that will require unusual self-abasement in relation to your sexual expectations and your wife. Here’s what I mean. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 6:18–20,

Flee from sexual immorality. . . . Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own [what a powerful statement!], for you were bought with a price [namely, the blood of Jesus]. So glorify God in your body.

No longer is your body, and its sexual desires, and its engagement with your wife — no longer is it vulgar; it is holy. The body is the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit. And Paul says that, knowing he is going to give instructions one sentence later in 1 Corinthians 7:3 on how a man and his wife should have sex. Sexual relations in marriage are not vulgar; they are pure in Christ.

So, Ben, if you are a Christian, your perversely distorted brain belongs to God. He bought you. He knew what he was buying. He bought you, body and soul, by his blood. You are not your own. He bought you so that he could indwell you. And the one who indwells you is explicitly called holy. And that is your calling: be holy, because you are bought to be holy and indwelt by the Holy One.

Outdo One Another

Now come these astonishing words in 1 Corinthians 7:3–4:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights [that is, he should give her sexual satisfaction], and likewise the wife to her husband [his conjugal rights]. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

And he is speaking specifically about sexual intercourse, in those marriage-bed moments of intimacy. That’s the law he lays down. Now, that’s a mysterious and wonderful and paradoxical thing to say, right? Just when a man thinks he can do whatever he pleases sexually with his wife because he’s got that authority, Paul says that she can do whatever she pleases sexually with her husband, which very likely will include informing him that some of the things that please him do not please her — thank you very much. And she would like it if he wouldn’t do them.

“Strive to find your greatest sexual pleasure in the greatest sexual pleasure of your spouse.”

Now you can see how paradoxical this is. This is very much like Paul’s command in Romans 12:10, “Outdo one another in showing honor.” How do you do that? Like, “I’m going to beat you.” “No, I want to beat you.” “I’m going to show that I honor you more.” “No, I’m going to show that I honor you more.” Which in the marriage bed means this: outdo one another in seeking to maximize each other’s pleasure — each other’s pleasure. Or another way to say it would be this: each of you strive to find your greatest sexual pleasure in the greatest sexual pleasure of your spouse.

Learn to Talk

Now, Ben, with regard to your history, what this means is that you will not assume that you know best the acts of intimacy that will bring your wife greatest satisfaction. You will assume that your mind is distorted. In fact, all of us should assume that. That’s why there should be a lot of talking. Therefore, you will be especially humble, especially hesitant to put your immediate desires forward as a guideline for what happens in the marriage bed. This is why I said miracles will have to happen in your heart and her heart.

And that leads me to the next part of your path toward hope — namely, that you, perhaps even more than most husbands (though we all need it), will need to talk with her very frankly about what pleases her. You will have acknowledged to her very early in your relationship, before the marriage, all about your history sexually — before your marriage, early in the relationship. And you will admit to her that you probably do not have the best instincts and inclinations when it comes to the most healthy ways of sexual intimacy in marriage. She will need to know all about this ahead of time so that she can decide if she’s going to take a risk on you. Don’t you dare hide this from her, spring it on her after you’re married, and know then that there’s no way out. That would be very disingenuous, dishonest, evil of you to do that.

And then the two of you, in marriage over time, if she’s moved forward with you, will learn to talk; you’ll learn how to talk. And from your talk, you will learn a kind of unspoken language, a kind of delicate signaling, so that there emerges over time a natural rhythm of intimacy that both of you find sweetly and deeply satisfying.

Cherish Her

And let me mention one absolutely crucial feature of this satisfying intimacy. I think it would be fair to say that every mature, healthy woman in marriage wants to enjoy her husband and wants to be enjoyed by her husband, but not used by him. So, what’s the difference between your wife being enjoyed by you and being used by you? I’ll put it in one sentence as best I can, and then mention three ways to make it a reality.

“Set your face to pursue holiness and purity and deep transformation, and there will be hope for you.”

A woman will feel properly enjoyed by her husband, rather than used, if she can tell that he is delighting in her body and her person as one. If physical enjoying and personal cherishing are united, it will be crystal clear when and how the husband is enjoying her body. But it needs to be made clear that in this enjoyment he is cherishing her person. In other words, it’s pretty obvious to a woman when he’s enjoying her body. It may not be as obvious to her that he is cherishing her person. So, here are three things that contribute to this beautiful sense of not being used, but being enjoyed by both the cherishing of a person and the enjoying of a body.

1. Words: He may not be a poet, but he can say to her in the moment, “I love you. I want no other. My eyes and my hands go after no other with the desire to do what we are doing now. You are precious to me. I cherish you.” He can say that. He can say that. Words matter.

2. Eye contact: Don’t either of you give the impression that, as you move toward the height of delight, you lose personal contact and float into some dream world abstracted from the person in your arms. Open your eyes. Look as deeply into your spouse’s eyes as you can, down into the very soul, and say with your eyes, “You, you only, you only and forever — you.”

3. And finally, and this is true for everyone, but especially, Ben, for people with your background. Through all the communication and experimentation, build that beautiful garden of pleasure with a hedge around it made out of her glad desires and permissions.

So, set your face, Ben, in these next years to pursue holiness and purity and deep transformation, and there will be hope for you.