Audio Transcript

Every week, our inbox gets some very interesting scenarios we need to work out together, like this one today from an anonymous young woman. “Hello, Pastor John, and thank you for your ministry and for this podcast. My question for you is about how I can respond in faith when someone insists that it is God’s will for you to be together, but you disagree. Here’s my situation. Shortly after joining a new church, a guy I barely knew asked me out on a date, and I declined without feeling any regret then or since. Many months have passed, and he’s still convinced that we are meant to be together, to the point that he corners me after church events to reiterate that I’m exactly the wife he’s prayed for.

“My rejection of him hurts him, and I don’t want to hurt anybody. But I’m also mystified and a little angered by the way he treats me and his insistence that this is God’s will. I’ve asked him to leave me alone and will draw others in as needed in the church. My question for you is, What’s a God-honoring way to address a church situation like this, when someone is convinced they know God’s will for you, and you disagree with them?”

I have five suggestions for how to deal with a man who thinks it’s God’s will for you to marry him when you don’t see it that way.

1. Trust Great Promises

First, step back, look to the Lord, and ask him to intervene in this situation in a way that will protect you spiritually and physically and will help this man think and feel in a more mature and biblical and discerning way. In other words, pray.

And when you have prayed that, take hold of a specific promise in the Bible, and then specifically trust that promise for your situation with him. For example:

• Psalm 25:8: “Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way.” He’ll guide you. It’s a great promise.
• Or Psalm 91:14: “Because he,” and you can say she in this situation, “holds fast to me in love, I will deliver [her]; I will protect [her], because [she] knows my name.”
• Or Psalm 23:6: “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.” You can hold that, claim that, stand on that.
• Or Psalm 84:11: “The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord [gives grace and glory]. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.”

So, very specifically say to the Lord, “Thank you for your promises. I trust you, Lord. Establish me in the truth. Grant me to walk now not in fear or anger or self-pity or pride but in full confidence that you will take care of me and guide me in dealing with this situation.” So, that’s my number-one counsel.

2. Patiently Explain

Second, explain to this man that all claims to know the will of God must be tested by the revealed word of God, the Bible. Extrabiblical words of knowledge or prophecies or purported revelations are in themselves fallible because they are not perceived by infallible people; they’re perceived by fallible people like him. God gave unique authority to the apostles and prophets to write Scripture, but no one has that kind of authority and infallibility today. The Bible alone is now our standard, our infallible standard of God’s will.

So, if he thinks that he has an infallible insight into God’s will for you, he’s not thinking biblically. His opinion is of a different order than the Bible. It’s not infallible. And he may need to rethink how he discerns the will of God. That’s number two.

3. Encourage Counsel

Third, suggest to him that one way he can discern if he is on the right track is to draw other wise and spiritual people into his life, especially the pastors or elders of your church. He should ask them to give their sense of his discernment of God’s will. If he’s thinking in a biblical way, he will be glad for their input. Proverbs 11:14: “In an abundance of counselors there is safety.” If he’s resistant to the counsel of the church leaders or other wise friends, then he’s showing that he’s not walking in the truth.

4. Expose the Catch-22

Fourth, here’s the catch-22 that this man is in. Help him see this. If he is so spiritual as to truly discern God’s will for you, then either you’ll prove similarly spiritual (from his standpoint) and agree with him, or you’ll prove to be unspiritual (from his standpoint) and stubborn. If you prove to be spiritual (from his standpoint) and agree with him, you’re going to get married. If you prove unspiritual, undiscerning, stubborn (from his standpoint), then he should not want to marry you.

But if he keeps on wanting to marry you even though (from his standpoint) you are proving to be an unspiritual, undiscerning, stubborn person, then something is deeply wrong with him. He claims to be spiritually discerning, but your spiritually undiscerning stubborn resistance to God’s will (from his standpoint) doesn’t stop him from wanting to marry you. He should say, “That’s not the kind of woman I should marry if I’m a biblically spiritual person. She can’t even discern the will of God. Why would I want to marry her?” And not only that, but if you see that he wants to marry you even though (from his standpoint) you are proving to be unspiritual, undiscerning, stubborn, then you now know that you have a good reason not to marry him since he’s so careless about whom he would marry.

“If he thinks that he has an infallible insight into God’s will for you, he’s not thinking biblically.”

That’s the catch-22 when you claim to know more than God has revealed. So you can say to him, “Look, if I am able to see that it is God’s will for me to marry you, we will marry. And if I can’t see it that way, that God’s will for me is to marry you, then you should not want to marry me because I’m so blind to discerning God’s will. And if you still want to marry me though I’m so spiritually undiscerning, then you’re not the kind of man that I would want to marry.”

5. Speak Bluntly

Fifth, if all else fails and he continues to call you or email you or text you or corner you, then you need to say quite bluntly, “I don’t think we can even be ordinary friends right now, and I am asking you not to be in touch with me or talk with me alone for the next six months.” This is a test run. “If you don’t agree to this, I’m going to ask the leaders of our church to put some kind of restraint on you. And I don’t do this out of animosity, but because I think it might help you get in touch with reality and so be a more healthy and mature person.”