Audio Transcript

Pastor John, this question comes on the heels of the question we addressed in episode 122, one of the most popular episodes we’ve released. That question was “Is my boyfriend’s porn a marriage deal breaker?” Now a listener wants to address this sin in marriage by asking, “Is my husband’s porn a marriage deal breaker?”

Stronger Than Porn

My answer is no. Your husband’s struggle or compromise with pornography is not a marriage deal breaker. And I would also say that a wife’s compromise with pornography is not a deal breaker for her husband. We cannot assume that women do not struggle with pornography in our day, because that issue cuts both ways.

I don’t want to be hard on women here. I want to say that marriage is a covenant created in heaven, sealed with a vow of lifelong commitment between a man and a woman, and consummated in sexual union. That is my definition. I believe it is a biblical definition of marriage. My answer to the question “What can break a marriage?” is based on what marriage is. So, let me just work that out for a minute or two.

Nature of Marriage

First, marriage is a covenant. It is covenantal. The foundational text for marriage is Genesis 2:24: “A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast [cleave] to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” And when Paul picked that up in Ephesians 5:32, he interpreted it, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” This means God created marriage to be a picture of Christ’s covenant commitment to his church and his church to him. Therefore, marriage is fundamentally covenantal — covenantal to the max. It is a model of how Christ is bound to his church in the new-covenant relationship, and he is really, really bound to his church. So, I want to say first that marriage is a covenant.

“God created marriage to be a picture of Christ’s covenant commitment to his church and his church to him.”

Second, marriage is created in heaven. When we stand in front of a crowd of people and say, “I do” or make our vows, we are not ultimately creating a marriage. God is creating a marriage. I base that on Mark 10:9: “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Those are amazing words. In the moment of covenant-making through vows, God is doing something. As mere people, we have no right to undo it.

Third, marriage is lifelong. It is “till death.” “A married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives, but if her husband dies she is released from the law of marriage. Accordingly, she will be called an adulteress if she lives with another man [or, ‘He will be called an adulterer if he lives with another woman’] while her husband is alive” (Romans 7:2–3). This is for life. “Till death do us part.” When I do marriages, I let people put a lot of things in their vows. But I always insist on one thing: the phrase “till death do us part” or some other equivalent.

Fourth, marriage is consummated in sexual union. Jesus said, “The two shall become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5). At creation God commanded, “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Thus, we read, “Adam knew Eve his wife” (Genesis 4:1). Paul exhorted the Corinthians, “Because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal [sexual] rights, and likewise the wife to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2–3).

Hold Fast

This definition of marriage implies that you should stay together. Stay together through hell and high water. Jesus proclaimed, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9). Or, in Mark 10:11–12, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” And Paul said, “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:10–11).

“Jesus stays in a relationship with his sinful church, and he means to do great things for his children in hard marriages.”

In other words, when we make the vow (and I hope this woman made this vow) “for better or for worse,” we don’t mean, “for better or for worse unless there is pornography.” We don’t mean, “for better or for worse unless you turn out to be somebody I never dreamed you were.” That, by the way, happens to pretty much everybody. Wives and husbands do not stay the same. Marriage is risky business, which is why I think the disciples said, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry” (Matthew 19:10). And Jesus replied that it is given to some but not others. It is given to Christians. It is our privilege and right to commit in this way.

Greater Than Any Sin

So, Tony, this husband is committing a grave sin against God and his wife. I don’t at all mean to minimize his pornography, for reasons covered in past podcasts. But marriage is greater. It is greater than any sin. It is a picture of Christ and the church. In that stunning framework, you can go to Christ and plead with him for the power, grace, and wisdom to move toward repentance.

In her case, she may need to involve the men of her church. She may need to go to the men in a small group and say, “My husband won’t listen to me. Help me.” The church should step in and help a wife in this situation. Marriage is not a trap. But it is like a powerful promise from the Lord. If he has ordained that some of his children stay in very hard marriages (which he does), it is because he stays in a relationship with his sinful church, and he means to do great things for his children in those marriages. He means to display glorious aspects of his merciful covenant-keeping to this world.